GWAR – The Stoned Age Tour – HOBLV

I woke up Thursday morning with aches, pains and already wanting to throw myself onto the pile of human flesh to be sacrificed in order to feed Gor-Gor. It has been a long week of dealing with modern human life and I’d be glad to see it over at this point even if it’s at the sharp end of the sword held by the most illegal aliens. The scum dogs of the universe – Gwar. 

Squid Pisser

     We start off the evening with a band that is new to me called Squid Pisser. There are occasions where I will do more research into a band that I’ve never heard of before we go out to these shows. On this occasion I hadn’t been able find the time but I did at least know that they are often described as hardcore punk. 

     I just didn’t know that this was meant in the same vein as Nails is described as hardcore punk. Squid Pisser’s sound is this eclectic mix of punk, metal and noise that is anxiety inducing in it’s blistering speed and skull fuckery and it’s goddamn awesome. 

      All said, don’t feel bad if you get curious and find it’s not for you. Most everyone I have talked to has had mixed feelings but I would say it’s worth checking out their Spotify, listen to a few tracks and find out if Squid Pisser is to your taste.

I’m giving them four golden showers out of five. 

Dark Funeral

     Next up is Dark Funeral – not to be confused with Dark Throne or from the lesser known Dark Fortress. Though if you somehow think I’m talking about Dark Tranquility you’re a fucking moron. 

     Starting back in ‘93 and with just guitarist Lord Ahriman as their sole remaining orginal member very very soon into their career anyway you can look at it – Dark Funeral was one of the early bands of my black metal fandom that only garnered minor interest from me at thirteen years of age. It would be roughly tens years later that a change in vocalist would lead me to check in on what Dark Funeral was up to. 

     “Nail Them to the Cross” would be the first sign of what was to come with the eventual release of ‘Where Shadows Forever Reign’ – I loved the polished (for black metal) production and I loved the vocal performance of Heljarmadr. 

      Musically the guitar work was a lot of what I expected from Dark Funeral. Particularly when the faster tremolo picked parts would come up (I mean classic Dark Funeral right?) That said, I love a catchy black metal song and Dark Funeral was bringing tasty barbecue riffs to the table. Yummy. 

     Their latest release ‘In The Sign of the Horns’ is a recording of the original self titled EP from 1994. Definitely worth checking out if you want a taste of old school Dark Funeral through the lens of the present day line up. If that’s to your taste then their last two full length releases 2016’s ‘Where Shadows Forever Reign’ and 2022’s ‘We are the Apocalypse’ are great jumping points to their discography. That’s not to say their older records aren’t deserving of your attention but I find it easier to recommend records with better production to people who may be new to black metal. 

     As for their performance I think Dark Funeral killed it. Heljarmadr’s vocals were more screeching than what’s on their last few releases. Most importantly they picked a good bunch of songs to perform which goes a long way to make me happy.

I give their performance four-and-a-half Heljarmadr mustaches out of five. Hail Satan. 

GWAR

     As for the night’s headliner – any sane human wanting to hold on to their life and limbs would have left by the time Gwar began their performance. In direct opposition to that thought, I saw even young children ready to be culled by the invading aliens. At least they won’t be left to be orphans in the aftermath. 

     What’s most worrying is that Gwar now has access to technology that would enable them to utilize time travel. In order to get themselves out of running for President in place of the two candidates being taken out of the race, they utilized a device they apparently have had access to for quite some time to search for a suitable replacement from the past. Perhaps unaware of the Constitutional Amendment preventing many of them from running again. 

     Pictured are the former and current U.S. Presidents that were murdered on stage in front of a rabid and brainwashed fanbase that were ecstatic as they were showered in the blood and other bodily fluids of the victims. 

     Also Hitler – but who’s going to be upset about Hitler being mutilated down to chunks fit only for Tyrannosaurus Rex’s to eat – except other Nazis…? 

     I was most confused by the bluish purple color of Ronald Reagan’s skin. My father hated him so you’d think he might have mentioned his least favorite president before Trump turned into Violet Beauregarde at some point. This strange pigmentation as well as the amalgamation known as ‘The Founding Father’ may have been a consequence of overuse of their time travel device. 

     Aside from being in mortal danger, I did really enjoy myself. Musically Gwar doesn’t get written about in articles or featured in top ten videos about their best albums or songs but overall they write great and very fun music to listen to. I still talk about their collaboration with the children’s show ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ on their musical episode which featured a reworked version of one of my favorite Gwar songs “The Private Pain of Techno Destructo” and any day is made better if you have the time to put on “Bring Back the Bomb”.

     Truthfully the subject of Gwar as an entity is a fascinating one. From the fiction surrounding the band I’ve had so much fun playing around with in this writing to the band’s origins, daytime talk show appearances and how they work as a collective to this day. If you haven’t done so, watch the TedTalk about Gwar on YouTube when you have the time. There’s a goddamn GWAR bar and I’m fucking pissed that I have no reason to go visit Virginia to see it. 

     I don’t really care if you’re a diehard fan or you’ve never once heard of the band – go see Gwar. Sure you run the risk of being cut in half and fed to a dinosaur but you’re going to have a great time. I know from personal experience of people who have had the time of their lives at a Gwar show not knowing much of anything about them beforehand. I give them five bloody, rusted and serrated swords out of five. 

PHOTO CREDIT: Live photos by Courtney Ware for ZrockR Magazine – (c) 2024 – All Rights Reserved.